I think this is turning into a "I'm emotional and need to write this out" blog.
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So, I don't know if I can blame female hormones on this anymore. I was just looking at pictures of my sister's wedding reception now, and I felt like crying. I still have the tingling feeling in my mask area- and the more I think about it, the more I want to start bawling.
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I'm not crying over the fact that she's married. No, I'm happier than ever for her- and we've gotten SO much closer now that she lives in Dublin.
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I feel realyl selfish for saying this; since I should be talking about her wedding photos and how beautiful she looked in them. But every photo saw that had me in it.... have I really gained that much weight?? I KNOW! I know! That's such a prissy girl thing to say.... but I have low self-esteem ALREADY, and seeing my huge calves, and my arm fat billowing out from the edges of my dress (Which I had gotten because it was a "insta-slim" dress for me- giving me the right shape and making me appear defined), I felt like I had ruined the entire photo.
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There was my sister, looking beautiful as always with her perfect face that models would kill for; and there's her goofy looking sister sitting right next to her. Me. With my puggy cheeks, bad posture, crooked smile, and hopeless hair.
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If I was in Health class right now; my teacher would tell me to write down everything I love about myself, and everything I hate about myself. Then she's ask me to cross of things that I CAN'T change, and focus on improving the things I CAN change. One of the things that would stay unmarked would be my weight.
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I always lie when someone asks how much I weigh. Truthfully; I don't know. I think it's a lot for my height though. I used to be 97 pounds on a good day back in 8th grade. I haven't grown an INCH since then, so ideally I should still be the same weight.
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In 8th grade; I never worked out, and I piged out on junk food constantly.
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Now, I work out at least 3 times a week and try to ride my bike for at LEAST an hour and a half. I cut back on bad foods and try to choose only good things for me. Why is it that instead of gaining MUSCLE fat- I just gained FAT?
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Why is it; that I can't fit into my old clothes, and I suddenly have a muffin top with a basement sized trunk??
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It's stressing me out.... is that why I'm gaining weight?? Because I'm stressed about being a cow??
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I gotta go; I'm crying and I want to use this emotion for my dramatic monologue for Acting Class.