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Subject: Suffocation | 20 February, 2007
I can't stand it.

I'm so suffocated here, I just, I can't stand it.

Delaware is slowly killing me on the inside.
I'm breaking down in private, crying my eye out over nothing!
Nothing-- being Delware IS nothing, there's NOTHING here, there's NOTHING new, there's NOTHING exciting!

It's the same rutiene everyday.
The same people, the same personalities, the same ideas of who you are.
And they keep that idea for life.

It's draining me slowly, it's to the point where I can barely get up in the mornings, I'm having trouble focusing, trouble concentrating, trouble connecting things together. I stare off into space for minutes on end before I even realize it-- then it takes minutes more to snap back into focus- only to loose it again.

I can't even remember things anymore.
I can't remember if I ate, if there was homework, what's worse; I can't remember things about my friends.

They tell me things and it just flies over my head! It doesn't register.

I just thought I'd be out of here by now.

I'm so tierd of waiting.
I wait for the play;
- I end up being understudy girl again
I wait for the musical;
- I end up being chorus girl again
I wait for everything and it always comes back the same as always.

I've improved my grades dramatically, I've improved my skills dramaticaly, and what happens?

Because that's what Delaware is.

I can't even update my journal anymore because it's the SAME THING everyday!
I'm loosing inspiration.
I actually don't think I'll care if I don't make it into musical (Which is saying a lot because I LIVE for musicals and prepair for it all year long.)
I'm loosing hope.

Today at my audition; I seriously bombed it.
I did the worst I could have possibly done.
And you want to know why?
Because I actually thought I could ahve changed the judges minds about me.
I actually thought I could have proven that I've changed.
I threw myself out there and fell short because I got all psyched out about them knowing me.

Throw me infront of Disney; okay.
Throw me infront of Simon; okay.
Throw my infront of ANYONE but my Highschool directors; okay.

I don't know why they even bother to let us audition.
Everyone in the cast KNOWS whose going to get what parts. We know who will be in the chorus and who will be in the cast itself.
And we're always right.
Heck, it's to the point where the drama members are putting bets on who will get what part.

I have to go.

It's back to my normal rutiene.
Shower, dry my hair, straighten it, go to bed, then force myself to go to school only to loose more energy and hope.

I'm dieing here.



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