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Subject: Hero (Red Pill Mix) | 01 November, 2006
That's the song I'm listening to right now.
By Superchic[k].
I'm just really trying to focus on the messages in their songs.
"Cheer up! Life is a gift! Every person in your life is a blessing! Don't focus on what others say-- it's your oppinoin about yourself that counts!"
Well..., right now my opinoun of myself has just been smashed. Again.

It just..
I don't know, I hurts when people joke around and think it's all fine and dandy but you just can't help but take it personally.
Sandy and Ralley are over right now, they ate dinner with us as mom surveyed my food intact and kept telling me to eat some chicken- like she was afraid I'd crumble up into a small husk if I didn't eat anything (But I'm really just not hungry, I had Remnant after school, and we always get free pizza there. So I already ate. My parents have been acting like they think I'm anorexic lately.) "So what happened to that money?" Ralley asks me.
"What money?" I ask, thinking he means the dollar Sandy slipped me during Halloween into my candy bag (Last year trick-or-treating and I went out with Blisters!)
"The money for singing lessons. Oh wait-- you never took singing lessons."

Then my grandpa laughs and tells Ralley he said that to me the other day, and they share a smile that says they heard that joke somewhere and both wanted to try it out.

It still hurts though, joke or not.

My voice, acting, and friends are all I feel like I have in Delaware lately.
Oh great, now I'm starting to tear up again.
But sometimes it feels like my friends arn't even there. Livy has been getting roped into things with Kristen, and even though me and Brittany's bond is getting stronger, I still can't tell when she's joking when she gives me that, "You're kidding." look.

This is nothing though-- all this IOFDSIFHSIFESFES (<-- random typing) feeling.
It's just stress and my bad day getting to me.

Journaling always makes me feel better though- it gets me feelings out, and I can go back upstairs and act like I'm not bothered by half the things they joke around with.

So, I'm thinking that if I tell Brittany about these distant feelings, she'll be all, "Oh Devann! Shut up, you're fine." and if I tell Livy, she'll coo over it for a moment before putting the blame on herself.

So yeah, today was a bad day- but I kept a good mood never-the-less.
Go to the counselor?
I did that last year and all she said was she'd go see the musical and let me look at some diabete books when my parents were freaking out over my physical 2 summers ago that said I had a weird sugar thing that made them think I was going to get diabetes the second they looked at me.

She never came to the musical-- or at least I never saw her.
And I never got those books.

Which, I understand. She's a High School Counselor, she deals with tons of drama bigger than my minor stress issues.

Well, I'm going to go take a shower.

But before I go, I gotta say something else;
Mom wants me to choose between the play and musical.

My love for acting.... or my love for singing.

Our Winter play is "A Curios Savage"
Our Spring Musical is "West Side Story"

I came upstairs and looked at mom as everyone was at the table. I sucked in a deep breath, pretending to be professional then dropped my shoulder and desperatly said, "Do I have to chose between them??"

"Yes, you do." Mom said.

"Like like making me choose between breathing in or out for the rest of my life! Either way-- without the other I'll die!"

"You have to choose." She said.

I tried to laugh and took a small step back. "I'm gonna end up crying.." I said to myself.

"Wait--" My dad interjected. "Why does she have to choose?"

"Do YOU want to drive her back and forth everyday?" Mom asked.

"I don't mind," Dad says, "The practices end when i get off of work normally so I can pick her up on my way home like always."

"Yeah but you're not the one who ends up picking her up!" She says, I'm still shocked at my dad sticking up for me, and even more shocked at Madre making me choose-- she knows how much I love acting and she knows what the stage means to me- it helps me live! She turned to me. "Choose."

"Just try out for both." Dad says. "Do them both." And they go back and forth over rides.

"Madre, you know I want to be an actress- you're my manager! I need more experience under my belt!"

"You have enough experience." she says.

"No one has enough experience, madre! Angelina Jolie doesn't have enough experince-- non of us will ever have enough experience!"

"Just do both of them." Dad says again, and once again they get into ride problems.

I'm still confused as to if I have to choose or not... I really hope not.
I don't think I could stand it if I try to plan something with Livy and she says, "Sorry-- play practice remember?" or even the look of disbeliefe as someone says, "You ready for practice-- oh yeah, you didn't try out. Why not!?!"

I just need to get on the stage- soon. It makes em feel... REAL when I act, you know? Like my personality is jello without the stage and one poke can put a hole in it.

I need shakespear.
And to go take a shower before Amanda uses the hot water.

[x] Devann-Dianna
Photos hate me again and arn't working.


Blogger musicalrose123 said...
Gosh it is wonderful to find a girl that hasnt deleted there blog or have a last post that is gathering dust in 1999.
I love your posts.
And yes, my mum attempting to stop me performing in the theatre but i got there anyway :]

ps. My real name is Holli/Holliver/whateverelse

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